Ro pretty much just finished learning how to ride a bike. He has a red 20” Specialized bike with handlebar brakes that he got for his birthday a few weeks ago. We never had him on training wheels. I just took the pedals off, he got used to gliding, and then finally seemed like he was ready for the pedaling movements. When B put the pedals back, he just took off and started going. He’ll use the brakes and put his feet down when he gets scared but we just remind him it’s a perfectly natural safety precaution and try again. I think it got 10k steps just running after him to make sure he was ok. He did a good job with positive self-talk as he went. He could have been completely derailed when he ran into the chain-link fence surrounding the park almost right away, scraped his knuckles a little bit, and got upset from being scared. After we were sure he was okay, he hopped back up, tried again, and got it.
B often thinks I don’t tell Ro “no” enough. I don’t know that there’s a right answer to that. Our parenting styles are different. He comes from the “children should be seen, not heard, and should definitely not be touching painted walls” philosophy. I’ve been feeling more of a “the world is filled with assholes you’ll have to deal with, and so I’ll teach you how to politely assert yourself and get what you need” view. After the pediatric counseling check in and a recommended parenting class with a focus on kids with anxiety (and ADHD though not applicable with Ro), everything seems to be build off more of managing expectations and realizing that kids just aren’t emotionally stable. Also, on focusing on influence rather than commanding certain behaviors.
Ro doesn’t ask for a lot though maybe because he doesn’t watch a lot of commercials — he’s mainly using PBS kids, Disney+, and Netflix, which don’t have any commercials. What he does ask for, we can usually figure out a root need and find a compromise. For example, Mom is currently visiting, Ro wanted to ride his bike, but we needed to go to the grocery store and make dinner. His compromise was to ride his bike to the grocery store. I told him his bike was too small to securely lock and too big to bring into the store. He tried to throw a tantrum so Mom and I said it was fine to stay home with B and we would go biking after going to the store. He was fine when we got home, we went biking while Mom made dinner, and everything turned out okay. Could I have put off biking for another day? Maybe, but it wasn’t necessary. It was also nicer to do it while Mom was making dinner so one of us wouldn’t resent missing a big event with a chore. On a regular day, I probably would have just put a parameter on it like going once or twice around the neighborhood with a “one last time warning.”
I have noticed that when I give Ro a chance to make a decision and discuss respect, comfort, and responsibility that he usually makes the right decision. At the end of his last loop when we were sure he got it, I asked if he wanted to go one more time, two more times, or head back because Mom would be done with dinner soon and I was dying from keeping up with him. He chose to go home right away. I wonder if the trick is about teaching about the importance of values and making sure you’ve influence them into making their own good decisions since there’s only so much behavior you can command. You know this with me since I wouldn’t listen to anyone telling me what to do — B would say that I still don’t really.
Speaking of such things, I’ve noticed that B has been digging at me more often lately. He recently interviewed for a mew position and mentioned needing to go over the pros and cons of everything. He also hasn’t been able to exercise as often lately. He’s still trying to play basketball more often than bicycling.
I saw this meme today, and it reminded me of what you said about making friends. The people that I would probably have the most fun with are people who are focused around their kids activities, reading, or exhausted from their own tiring, yet rewarding, jobs. I’ve found my more recent friends at work and meetup groups. I talk to other parents at Ro’s activities, but it’s pretty shallow conversation. Emmy had observed during one of our conversations that the whole gauging attitude then offering a number exchange is very much like dating. I’ve found that to be very true. Only two of my four non-work number exchanges since graduating college turned out successful so far. The “Cafe” episode on Bluey also sums up very well of how an indefinite numbers of interactions are needed before becoming friends.
FYI, if there’s a New Horizons band near you, you may want to consider joining. Ours definitely needs more percussionists. Our tympani player tries her hardest, but you’d throw her out of the water headfirst if you were here. I told a coworker about it and her mom started playing with us. We didn’t have any french horn players before and now we’re hearing everything we’ve been missing. They also do lots of social stuff to chat and make friends afterwards, but I haven’t been able to go because of work the next day and Ro not wanting to fall asleep before I go home.
Ok, I just checked. They definitely need more percussionists and be sure to let them know they need to hold practices after 6pm if on a weekday if they want more members. Ours is affiliated with the local adult school to keep the word out and the lights on. It also allows it to remain secular and open for all. I would suggest joining, making friends, and then joining their board and changing things up. 😛 Or find a different community band through an adult school or community college.
On that last bit in your email, Sharon had mentioned that she noticed my stepmother’s demeanor would change when we joked about something and she also seemed jealous at times. I’m pissed and tried to take time away from processing the reminder that we’re mainly Mom’s kids. I tell people that I didn’t really grow up with Mom because she was too busy finding herself and didn’t seem to want kids or parent until we were teenagers. It was often just Ev, me, and you, and a lot of dinners at Carl’s Jr.
Quick news: Ev was recently hired on a training program to fly with a reputable yet small puddle-jumping commercial service. (You may guess the one. It’s not a discount airline.) Ro dressed up as a pilot for golf. We’ll see what he chooses for Halloween.
I love you and miss you.
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